I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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