STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
