I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
