So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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