Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
