mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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