No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
