i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
