my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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