So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
