I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
