I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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