when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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