He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
