dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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