I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
