your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
