We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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