Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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