As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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