I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
