your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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