mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
