She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
