I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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