I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
