Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
