Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
