Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
