ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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