I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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