I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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