Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
