just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
