Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
