Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
