I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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