I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I am spending my child support on dildos
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
