I think my fart just growled at me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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