Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
