Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
