Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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