I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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