Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
