I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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