I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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