If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is Oprah even human
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
