Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
