Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
