My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
